I'm Angry

"Our feelings control us when we subvert them and are no longer aware they exist." ~Theodore Isaac Rubin, MD

I'm Angry. Yep, really angry. Seething; furious; upset; frustrated. I'm filled with disgust and disdain. These are feelings I'm not used to; nor comfortable with. Most of you know me as Little Miss Sunshine, Happy-go-lucky and Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farm.

Anger scares me. I feel as though I'm ill equipped to cope with this emotion. I'm afraid it will take me over in some way. Yet, I'm not going to deny it or ignore it or push it away this time. I feel like a foreigner in new country experiencing strange customs and bizarre encounters. And I'm uncomfortable and somewhat exhilarated to see who I will be and what I will experience on this new journey.

Anger is a part of being human - one thread in the tapestry of the human experience. Of course I've known this intellectually for a long time. But have I let myself embrace my anger? No. Thanks to my own work with my coach, I'm intentionally creating a space in my life for my anger. It is taking some effort because it's so new for me to stay with it not ignore nor deny it. I'm also up against centuries' of cultural conditioning that has labeled anger; wrong, bad even evil. For women especially to feel anger not to mention express it - is still taboo.

Anger Insight #1
You don't have to actually DO anything about your anger.
Oh you may, of course:
*Take a knife to a huge watermelon
*Scream into your pillow every curse word you know
*Throw plates into your fireplace
*Listen to loud head banging music
*Dance/Thrash/Exercise it consciously through your body
*Journal with a red pen
*Watch Clint Eastwood movies

But creating a space for you to be with your anger doesn't mean you have to tell your boss off, curse out a relative or tell your lover to go to hell. All you need to do is feeeeel it and not rush past it. It won't be pleasant and that's okay, you'll survive.

That belief was one of the reasons I've kept mine at bay. I thought you had to act when you felt anger. That it required an external response in some way, a sort of "announcement." This is a misnomer. On occasion we will be called to act and express it, you betcha! And yet most times our anger will ask of us to simply give it room and time to process. So let it. Let it breath, seethe, flare and flame. Acknowledging it, allowing it and accepting it will do you a world of good. And like a storm at sea it will pass. No emotion lasts forever.

How do you do with your anger? Do you make it wrong or feel guilty or bad when it shows up? It's the bastard child, we've all been taught to disown and abandon. We shut it up and out with overeating; drinking; drugs; TV; sex and overworking. And we wonder why we have violence in our streets and our homes. To deny it causes either a slow toxicity within creating disease or an explosion of verbal or physical hostility.

In this angry mood today I rode the subway and met Deidre. We both shared our anger about the subway system and the impending fare hike; we complained about our politician's in Albany. We ranted and moaned. If I had over-heard this conversation in the past I'd have judged it as "negative" or made it wrong in some way. Meanwhile it helped us to both "clear." Feeling our feelings, and expressing them enables us all to both move forward with our day not to mention our life.

Anger awakens us. You feel alive after you've fully experienced it. And what's so amazing is that no one need know. It's yours and yours alone. Just like being in love. Or experiencing grief. Or joy. Or relief. Taste your feelings even the ones that you've denied....let them sit on your tongue and savor each one. This is what it means to be alive. What it means to be human. There's bitter and there's sweet. And they all have a place on the palate of our life.

In The Angry Book by Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin he opens with this quote from Joseph Conrad; "There is no rest for a messenger 'til the message is delivered." Allow the messages your Being needs to deliver to yourself to finally arrive. Bar none. And finally you will rest easy.

Run to the Roar

This blog posting here on 3/5/09 is my YES to fellow Greenlighter Scott Sonnon's challenge to post a hundred blog postings in a 100 days. Short term goal: finally have my ebook. Long term goal: Develop my brand. Scott is my Accountability Partner AKA Lifeline (discussed in Keith Ferrazzi's new book Who's Got Your Back.) I would love your advice and input thru this journey! Please share!

Who is Scott Sonnon: www.YourPainFreeMobility.com
What is a Greenlighter: www.GreenlightCommunity.com

"Emotions are physical. Our bodies are the only place they can ever be found." ~Raphael Cushnir

Now that we are in our third month of the New Year most of us have fallen off our New Year's Resolution wagon. Usually this experience has a one-two punch. We haven't stuck to our much desired resolution and then the salt gets poured in the wound because we are furious with ourselves for not having the willpower to stick with it.

Thanks to Raphael Cushnir I want to suggest that more powerful than will power is emotional connection. In Mr. Cushnir's new book, The One Thing Holding You Back, we learn that when we engage in willpower we have two sides fighting against each other. The part that still wants to say... eat chocolate cake and the other part of us that does not. He suggests that willpower might work for a time, but usually there is a pushback that will ultimately occur in which the defeated part will express itself.

He speaks about our learning to connect to the emotions that are occurring in us when have a behavior we might call compulsive (or even addictive) shows up. He suggests that if we are not self-opposed we will have a better time sustaining our new behavior. Learning to NOT make ourselves wrong for the experience in the first place, is step one in our emotional connecting to what is going on for us.

He suggests a 2 X 2 approach. First 2: Place the mind's attention on emotional sensation in our body. Keep the attention there until is dissipates. Second 2: Slow down. Get microscopic.

Cushnir shows us that in our avoidance of uncomfortable feelings (sometime very uncomfortable feelings) that come up for us we inadvertently keep repeating the same old unsuccessful patterns again and again because we never fully connect to the emotions that need to be felt and he says that if we finally allow them to be experienced we will set ourselves free of them once and for all. The discomfort they bring us instinctively makes us shy away and he suggests if we can stay in that initial discomfort even a minute or two at a time, we will eventually break free of their powerful grip.

It makes me think of the story Run to the Roar. When lions are about to attack a prey they surround it by placing the youngest most agile lion opposite their oldest lion who has the most intimidating roar. When the prey hears the roar they run opposite it -right toward the young swift lion instead of the old man of the group.

As Cushnir says this is simple but not easy. So here is my suggestion, ask yourself what emotion/s do you always avoid? Give yourself privacy and space before and after this exercise because what might come up might be more than you expect. Allow the emotion/s to surface even if it is just for a minute or two at a time. BE WITH IT using the 2 X 2 process. Watch what happens, neutrally; don't make it "mean" anything, the less descriptive words the better.

Now you might need to repeat this process, especially for those with emotions that have been buried for years. They will take more time. But giving them space to be felt will mean they won't hold you back any more. This month's quote, We seek the teeth to match our wounds, comes from Cushnir's book because he says we must allow these wounds to heal so that we won't seek those same teeth any longer. Be gentle with yourself and respect your body/mind/spirit's ability to do this. Do this at your own pace. But do do it. It's time for you to not be held back. And the only way out is through. Run to your roar.

For More on Raphael Cushnir read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/raphael-cushnir/our-economic-crisis-is-an_b_171989.html