How’s Your Listening?

In Nonviolent Communication they advocate “Empathic Listening.” What is that? It is a “compassionate connection with what others are presently experiencing. It requires one of the most precious gifts we can give to another and that is our full presence. It is our postponing these: giving advice, reassurance, corrections, explanations, or searching for solutions until the other person confirms that what was communicated has been accurately and compassionately received.”

These examples below are some common responses that PREVENT us from being present and connecting empathically with another:

Advising: “I think you should_____”, “How come you didn’t____?”
One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait until you hear what happened to me.”
Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just ______.”
Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
Storytelling: “That reminds me of the time______.”
Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing_____.”
Interrogating: “When did this begin”?
Explaining: “I would have called but ______.”
Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

All of these responses take us away from being “with” the person in what they are experiencing. Hearing what’s “alive in them.”

If you want to connect to someone after they have expressed something, NVC advises that we ask these questions “Are you feeling _______? Because you are needing _______?”
And this only after the other person has fully expressed themselves and what happened for them. Otherwise they may feel rushed or that we are in a hurry to be free or to fix their problem.

For more on Nonviolent Communication visit these sites:www.cnvc.org
and www.nonviolentcommunication.com

How Mean to Yourself Are You?

Those who know me know how much Non Violent Communication means to me. I have been saturating myself in Marshall Rosenberg's work for some time now. But tonight I'm struck by the violence in which I use when speaking to myself. You know, "You idiot, how could you leave that glove in the cab!?" "You shouldn't have been talking on the phone and trying to use your cc all at the same time! You deserve losing your favorite glove!" You know THAT kind of self-talk. I realized tonight that I sometimes beat the hell out of myself without a second thought sometime even multiple times a day. And I wonder why some days are harder than others?! It's no wonder. What would it be like for me to have mercy and empathy for myself? What if in response to losing this beautiful dark green suede glove I said to myself, "Wow, you never lose anything! You poor thing - you must be so upset losing that beautiful left handed glove that matched your pocket book just so! But since you are so on top of things this almost never happens to you! In fact you can't even recall the last time you even lost something because you are always so careful!"
Can you imagine if the kind of compassion and empathy a dear friend would give us was what we could give ourselves? How much less wine would we need to drink? How much less cake would we need to eat? How much more love could we show the world if we just showed a little bit more to ourselves?

Are You the Authority of Your Life?

This post has moved to my new site at The Coach Shoppe (http://www.thecoachshoppe.com). You can access it here.

Are You the Authority of Your Life?